Three!
Wow. Our little guy is three years old already! We had a little party at our house yesterday to celebrate the special day. It was actually twice the fun because it was a double party: Noah’s cousin Courtney turned three just one day before Noah, so we combined the families for their birthday celebration.
I don’t have a lot of time to write today, but I thought I’d at least post a few pictures of the birthday boy. And I’m kinda proud of the little candy train I made for his birthday. (Since I’m not really good at the whole cake decorating thing!) So there’s a couple pictures of that too. Enjoy! (You can click on the images for a larger picture of you want.)
Growing Pains
I love it when God shows up in the everyday moments of my life. Of course, I know He’s always there. But sometimes certain experiences, sights, or people will show His presence in a special way. And as a parent, I’m amazed and thankful for all the many ways God “shows up” like this through my interactions with Noah.
This week has been a big one for our little boy: We said good-bye to the pacifier. (Is it strange that I got a little weepy when I saw him with his pacifier for the last time? When did my little baby turn into such a big boy?) Actually, Noah’s done really well. Of course, he misses his paci and has asked for it when we put him to bed, but he hasn’t cried inconsolably or thrown any tantrums over it. Without the pacifier, it’s been taking longer for him to settle down in bed. But all in all, he’s doing great.
The experience hasn’t been without it’s heart-tugging moments, though. I’ve been prepping Noah the past few days about giving up his pacifier. I’d say things like “You’re getting so big and strong now, you don’t need a pacifier anymore” and “It’s not good for your big, strong teeth to keep having a paci in your mouth.” Apparently, some of my logic got through, because the first night we went up to bed without the pacifier, he kept saying “I don’t wanna get stronger! I don’t wanna get stronger.” Those words really pricked my mommy heart and brought a few tears to my eyes. I was so tempted to give him his pacifier back, yet I knew this was an important step we had to go through and I couldn’t back down.
And it was somewhere in those moments that I saw a picture of myself in my little son. Sometimes, when God gives me challenges or struggles to fight through, I don’t want to get stronger either. There are things I cling to and it’s hard to give them up, even though I know it’s the only way to grow in my faith.
I remember a moment, several years ago, when I was in the midst of our infertility struggles. Looking back on those four years, I have a lot of general memories of sadness, tears, lonely grief. But one moment stands out especially vivid in my memory. I was listening to some music in the living room, trying to pray and sort out all my churning emotions. As a pounding melody played, I literally fell to the ground in tears, beating my fists against the carpet and crying out to God that I couldn’t take it anymore. It was too much. Even at the darkest, I knew God was using my infertility to shape me and give me a deeper, stronger faith. But my desire to be a mom was intense, just like Noah’s love for his pacifier. And on that particular day, my heart’s cry was just like Noah’s: “I don’t want to get any stronger. I don’t want to give it up.”
Now, as I reflect on all this from the other side of infertility, I sometimes see it from God’s side. In moments like this week’s struggle to let go of the paci, I think about what He must have felt as he watched his daughter wrestle through infertilty. I imagine it broke his heart a little bit to see me that day, laying on the floor in tears, begging for him to give me my dream. I imagine that a part of Him wanted to just give me the baby of my dreams, right then and there. Yet He knew that I needed to grow up. To get “bigger and stronger” in my faith. And so He held his ground, though it probably made his heart ache to do so.
Early Tuesday morning (4:44 to be exact), I heard Noah whimpering a little.”I want my paci. I want my paci.” He repeated this for several minutes, and I debated getting out of bed to check on him. And then it grew quiet for a minute before he said something new: “I want mommy. I want mommy.” In less than a minute, I was snuggled in his bed, hugging him close and telling him that even though his paci was gone, his mommy was still here and loved him very much. It was one of those sweet, quiet moments that every parent understands–when you feel as though your heart can’t contain all this love and so it bubbles out into a stronger hug and another kiss to your child’s forehead.
I’m in awe of how much God loves me. Despite my toddler-like selfishness and my tendency to get attached to the things of this world. I can get so fixated on my own ideas or desires, and I I’ve cried out so often to have it my way, on my terms. And there God has always been, just waiting and longing for me to cry out for Him.
I don’t talk about my journey through infertility very often. I guess mostly that’s because I don’t want to be a downer by talking about a difficult chapter of my life. But then again, maybe I should. Because it was on that hard road where I started growing up. Infertility changed me. It changed my faith, my view of life, my way of coming to God. I look back and yes, I remember the tears and the deep sadness that ached in my heart. But I also see grace upon grace that God showered upon me through the storm. Somewhere in the middle of it all, I stopped seeking my own way and just asked for Him–and that is when I experienced the peace and joyof being held tightly in his loving arms.
I want to remember this. I want to keep growing up, even if it hurts a little. I want to see things as they really are and realize that nothing in this world is worth holding onto so tightly. No matter how convenient, how comfortable, or how familiar, there is nothing that compares to the peaceful surrender of letting God pull me toward him.
I love it when God shows up in the everday moments of my life.
THB: Celebrating Two Years
Wow, how time flies. I just realized that this month is the two-year anniversary of the Tol House Blog, or as all the cool kids are calling it these days, THB. Two years on the internet… that’s like 37 people years, right?
Anyways, we’d like to thank all the little people, our agents, managers, lawyers, spiritual advisors, dietitians, personal trainers, doctors, “life” coaches, assistants, former personal trainers, former “life” coaches now behind bars (Bob, I know you stole $200,000 from me, but we still love you) and Mocha the cat.
Wait, what’s that? We don’t have “people?” Oh… So maybe we’ll just thank Mocha the cat, Wordpress.com for this great free service, and you, our faithful readers. Here’s to many more wonderful years of Tol House Blog THB.
Nothin’ Special…y
So I’ve been a pretty lousy blogger lately. I’ll think about blogging–often. But somehow, that rarely translates into action. I think it’s because I’m always looking for that “big idea” to write about. And though I love this place I’m at in life, it is rather predictable and uneventful at the moment. Somehow, nothing seems to qualify as blog-worthy in my everyday life.
But then, I’ve been noticing something. You see, I’m a bit of a blog-stalker: That’s what I call it when you read someone else’s blog quite regularly, but they have no idea who you are. Mostly, I’ve found blogs of families adopting from Ethiopia and enjoy reading their thoughts about the journey. But as I was reading one of those blogs this afternoon, I realized something: It’s not the big events or hilarious anecdotes that keep me returning to the blog. (Though it’s nice to read about those, no doubt.) Really, I just like getting a glimpse into the hearts of these people who share something in common with me–listening to their doubts, their triumphs, their questions and fears.
And I’m feeling inspired by their honesty. So call it a belated New Year’s Resolution if you like, but I’m resolving to be a more faithful blogger. To worry a little less about whether my posts will be entertaining or witty enough. To spend less time deciding on a clever post idea. And to spend more time simply writing about my life and my thoughts–in all their glorious simplicity.
I share this with you for two reasons: One, so you’ll understand why my posts might seem a little less polished, a little more real. And two, because there’s nothing like throwing your goals out on the Internet to give you instant accountability.
So there you have it. My random musings for today. 
Some More Websites: Life Action and AWM
Back in November I blogged about a few websites I helped produce. We got a few more out the door in December:
Life Action Ministries strives to bring personal revival to Christians around North America. They publish two magazines, a great newsletter for pastors, and the Infuse Podcast. From a programming perspective this was an incredibly fun project: LAM wanted to inter-relate all their content together (blog post to product, product to article, article to podcast, etc.). The final solution works well, and I think it’s a great example of why the web is such a rich medium: you can’t do that sort of cross-referencing in the real world. We also incorporated some “geocoding” technology: the site automatically finds your longitude and latitude, and shows you LAM’s nearest conferences. LAM is a great ministry to work for: they get the web, and they’re really passionate about their ministry.
Arab World Ministries works to spread the gospel among the Arab world. (see how their name explains what they do? Nice and memorable, eh? 
This was another fun project due to the international flavor: we needed to support English, French, and Dutch — and eventually Arabic as well. They’re another great group of people, and it was a pleasure working with their staff on both sides of the Atlantic.
Exciting Adoption News!
We just learned on Monday that our dossier is headed to Ethiopia! Finally, all the paperwork is done here on the U.S. end. For months, our standard response when asked about the adoption has been “We’re still finishing up the paperwork.” But now, we are officially “waiting for our referral.” It may sound like an insignificant shift, but it’s really an exciting step for us. This means the next step on our adoption journey will be getting matched with our child!
I realize all the adoption lingo we’ve picked up lately may not make sense to our wonderful blog readers, so here’s a quick recap of the adoption process and where we are in it. Basically, an Ethiopian adoption involves three major steps:
Complete the dossier. I’ve already blogged about this step so I’ll spare you the details. This is the stage we’ve just finished and it means we are officially “in line” for an Ethiopian adoption.
Wait for a referral. The referral is the really exciting moment when we are matched with our specific child. We’ll get pictures and basic information about her background. We’ve been told this could take anywhere from 9-16 months.
Travel to Ethiopia to bring our baby home. This will happen about 3 months after receiving our referral. We will be assigned a court date in Ethiopia and make our travel plans accordingly.
I know some people are confused by the idea of being “in line” for an adoption. If there are so many orphans in the world, why do we need to wait for a referral? And why so long?
Well, first of all, remember that we are dealing with two governments here. All of our paperwork needs to be translated and then work its way through the proper Ethiopian government channels for approval. That takes time.
And secondly, to be fair to all involved, our adoption agency needs to handle the cases in the order they are sent to Ethiopia. Obviously, we’d all love to see a fast-track, but the reality is that it takes time for each family to be carefully matched with a child and then for their case to be ushered through the Ethiopian system. Yes, there are many children who need a home. But we need to wait our turn for being matched and having court dates assigned.
I’ve heard about the wonderful people our agency is working with in Ethiopia. And I’m confident they are doing the best they can to match children with families as quickly as possible. They want these precious kids to have homes as much as we do. So as we wait, please join us in thanking God for their efforts on behalf of Ethiopia’s orphans, and for His blessing on it.
Vacation Bible School
Sorry, no Colorado Stories this week. We’ve been a bit busy with Vacation Bible School… All the Tols got involved:
- Amy played piano with the house band.
- I shot and edited a short video, and played Jesus in a skit. (I’m one of the few guys with a beard at Holland Heights…)
- Noah played in the nursery.
To make up for the lack of stories, here’s a copy of the video for your viewing pleasure:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jos0LReudpU]
Change of Course
Funny how God works sometimes.
As we’ve written here before, we’ve been planning to adopt for awhile, saying lots of prayers for wisdom and guidance along the way. We had settled on adopting from Korea for a variety of reasons. We were excited learn about a new country and culture. And it seemed to be the best fit for our current family situation.
And yet, there was a small bit of doubt in my mind. Even as I shared the news about Korea with family and friends, a small piece of my heart felt uneasy. I suppose this is how every adoptive parent feels before they get matched with a child, I reasoned. I’ll bet it all “clicks” when you see that first picture of your little one. Still, I’ve been tossing up many heartfelt prayers throughout the past several weeks, asking God to give me peace–or to somehow make it obvious if Korea wasn’t the program for us.
Since our decision to adopt from Korea back in January, several things have happened:
1. We’ve heard more and more about the desperate needs of orphans in Ethiopia.
2. The Korea program was put on hold - initially expected to open on April 1.
3. We’ve heard about more and more people adopting–or considering adoption–from Ethiopia.
4. We’ve learned about recent legislation and cultural developments in Korea that promote adoption within their own country and make it easier for single mothers to raise a child, something that was very difficult before. This is great news for Korea’s children and families, as more of their children will be raised by their birthmothers, or in their birth country. It just means that the need for non-Korean families to step in and adopt is gradually declining.
5. Did I mention that we seemed to be hearing a lot about Ethiopia?
6. The hold on the Korea program did not end on April 1, but was extended for an indefinite time.
As you’ve probably figured out already, we feel God’s calling us to a change of course: After lots of prayers and discussion, we’re now planning to adopt from Ethiopia. And that uneasy feeling in my heart? GONE. There’s no doubt in my mind–or Brian’s for that matter!–that Ethiopia is where we were meant to go all along. God has made it pretty clear, and we are excited to follow along.
So we’ve made it official by mailing in our I600A form to the US Citizen and Immigration Services department. This form basically asks for government approval to adopt from a foreign country, in our case we’ve specified Ethiopia. And we are praying for a speedy processing of our form, as we cannot actually get on the Ethiopia waiting list without this approval. I’ve heard some nightmare stories about trying to get this form processed, so I’m hoping we won’t have too much trouble.
So if you’ve been tracking with me to the end of this post, please join us in thanking God for his clear direction and peace about adopting from Ethiopia. And then, could you just ask for a small miracle: That our little I600A form would sail through the system quickly?
We’re excited to keep you updated as we continue on this journey.
Big Bed!
Noah reached a big milestone this weekend: Moving into his “big boy bed!”
Daddy put the bed together on Saturday, Mommy added the sheets, blankets, and stuffed animals, and then Noah danced around his room with glee. He’s quite taken with his new sleeping quarters and loves to climb up on the bed so he can crash into his furry friends. The “choo choo” bedding is another big hit. (But beware the wrath of Noah should you decide to pull the quilt back. We’ve reached a compromise: At naptime we can fold the quilt down to the end of the bed as long as two choo-choos are still in plain site.)
So far, Noah’s only had a few naps in his new bed, and he seems to sleep just fine–once he actually settles down enough to close his eyes: We’re still working on the concept of “staying in bed when the lights are out.” I’m sure he’ll be sleeping there at night in no time. (I think Noah’s more ready to make the nighttime switch than his Mommy and Daddy are!)
Here’s the happy boy on his very own bed!
And guess who else likes to cuddle up in NoJo’s bed? Mocha, of course!
Mommy! Mommy!
Now that Noah has officially entered the ranks of two-year-olds, we seem to have entered a new phase: I’ve dubbed it the “Mommy! Mommy!” era. Can you imagine what this might be about?
It seems that after months of casual indifference, Noah has experienced a sudden and strong attachment to mommy. Of course, it’s nice to be wanted. But really: Is mommy the only sufficient person to play Little Peoples with? To read the Dinosaur book? To help brush teeth? To carry him up to bed? Is there no other human on the planet who can fulfill these tasks? The refrains of “mommy, mommy” have grown with the strength and intensity of our recent winter storms. Needless to say, I’m ready for a thaw in the weather around here!
In addition to my new title as Noah’s Parent of Preference, I’ve also taken on another new role: Manic Clicker of the South Korea Adoption Blog. We’ve finished up all our home study paperwork, and now we’re just waiting to have everything submitted to the Korean government. Unfortunately, they’ve decided not to except any new applications until they finish matching all the 2006 families, which will hopefully happen by early April. Bethany maintains a blog about all their Korea adoption news, so my new addiction is hopping over to their site in hopes of hearing that more referrals have been made.
If my math is correct, there are seven families who still need to be matched for 2006. And then (drumroll, please), our paperwork will finally be on its way to Korea! Until then, I will continue to check the Bethany blog on a daily (ahem…better make that “twice” or “thrice” daily!) basis. It works out well, actually: I can usually log on to my computer and check the blog in about the same amount of time it takes Noah to get sick of the toys I try to distract him with.
Hmm . . . what’s that I hear? “Mommy! Mommy!”